Thursday, August 23, 2012

I find myself awake on this Friday morning realizing the needs and fears that make up the inaction of the moment... That's the way it is right now maybe forever... Sometimes I think there is a destiny and a connection with God... a universal One of some sort... and that I am an important player, a part in universal destiny that is somehow connected with my creative inspiration as it translates into music and writing... But today I'm more a drone than ever before and I felt I was one when I first started working at the Comptroller's Office... the 54 years have their moments... Sometimes I do feel happy and good about myself and the world... My alter ego has become my father, as he should be, as he always was the man I most avoided... Now I have no choice but to confront him in all his intensity and permanence.  My inspiration consists of seconds, and the perspiration part required to translate inspiration into communication... well, it's an act of focusing, and every moment I feel like I must stop now... I'm feeling at every moment of action that I must stop, that something is stopping me... The simple example with this computer typing is The Heat of the Computer... I may as well admit that after sleeping for a time I turned on the television and it allowed me to start over on its broadcast of Reservoir Dogs, a simple production attaining near perfection... The impact of the Harry Nillson song at the end is now somewhat matched by the brilliant time shifted script.  It's a play and a work of cinema, an opportunity for actors to display their own unique brilliance... an admirable accomplishment, inspiring me to aspire to such an accomplishment.  But it leaves me in a state of low grade hysteria, the Coconut song hysteria... Would I wish this on another person?  The piece leaves you in a crazy place.  And it is brilliant in its engagement.  I was hooked from beginning to end, watching in awe as I understood the context in which memorable events transpire.  It's a strong context... It's the script.  This fellow's impact on my life is somewhat considerable and exists apart from my own life.  I would like a role model somewhere in the entertainment engaging me.   Someone I'd actually like to be, not seeing people who remind me of the worst of me...identifying and awakening my masculine predicament.   It's a pretty funny predicament... Ultimately these movies are comedies, part of the comedy being that they are movies.